How To Turn Difficult People Around

Monday 21 November, 2011

by Dr. Alan Zimmerman

The good news is, only 20% of the people you deal with are truly difficult people. The bad news is, those 20% can take up 80% of your time. You'll never be able to avoid all the difficult people in your life, but you don't have to let them steal your joy or diminish your productivity. Learn the skills to dealing with difficult people, and discover how to change or cope with them.

Chances are, over the course of your work life, you've said such things as "You don't know the clowns I have to work with." "How can you soar with eagles when you are cooped up with turkeys?" or "The nerve of that person". If you can identify with these statements, chances are you've had to work with some difficult people.
Over the years, I've found that "difficult" people have several things in common.

• They know what they're doing. They're not naive. They know they're being difficult
  
• They get some satisfaction out of being difficult. They enjoy making life more difficult for those around them
  
• They treat many people this way. So don't ever feel like they singled you out for "special" treatment
  
• They have been acting this way for a long, long time - perhaps ever since they were young

We often give difficult people permission to treat us badly. We reward them for being difficult, which encourages them to keep on being difficult. The good news is, we can learn to treat them differently, so they behave more appropriately.

You see, you have four choices when it comes to dealing with difficult people

1. You can stay and do nothing
   
2. You can leave
   
3. You can change your behaviour - the way you interact with that person or the way you respond to their behaviour
   
4. You can change your attitude towards that person

This article focuses on the third choice. Here are 6 types of difficult people and how to deal with them.

Complainers

Chronic Complainers gripe incessantly about what's not working, but they seldom if ever do anything about the object of their irritations. They would rather give you reasons why their problems can't be solved.

If you have to work with a Complainer, I've found these tactics work very well:

• Listen carefully so you know whether or not their complaint is legitimate or merely a part of their overall non-stop pattern of griping
  
• Acknowledge the complaint, and paraphrase what you heard so the Complainer knows you understand the complaint
  
• Ask for specific examples. Don't settle for such comments as "they never" or "they always"
  
• Apologise for the fact that they are having a hard time or experiencing some troubling feelings ... without accepting blame
  
• Move the discussion towards problem-solving. Ask, "How would you like this discussion to end?"
  
• Stay away from WHO'S right and WHO'S wrong. Instead, focus on WHAT are we going to do about this problem?
  
• State what you can and will do. Don't waste your time saying what you can't or won't do
  
• Above all, don't lose your cool. Don't let them push your buttons. If you lose your cool, you've lost your mind. And that is precisely the time when you are most likely to say and do things which you'll later regret
  
• Don't ever tell yourself "that other person makes me so mad". No they don't. If you're upset or angry with somebody else, it's because you LET YOURSELF get upset and angry. Just remember you're in charge - not the Complainer

Know-It-Alls

I'm sure you've run across your share of these difficult people. They think they are smarter than you, and they want you to acknowledge their superiority. Pomposity and condescension are their stock-in-trade.

Know-It-Alls are highly opinionated, speak with great authority, and are very sure of themselves. They have all the right answers - or at least think they do - so they're very impatient with others as they spew out their facts, details, reports, and studies.

To make it a bit more challenging, Know-It-Alls come in two varieties:

1. Bulldozers
   
   Bulldozers are genuine experts with an attitude problem. They are competent, careful people who make plans and carry them out, despite great obstacles. They just have very little need - or use - for other people. And so they're guilty of using disrespectful language and a demeaning tone, saying such things as: "Look - If you would just ...", "What do you know about it" and "Would you just think for a change?".
   
   If you decide to confront a Bulldozing Know-It-Alls - do your homework. Have your facts lined up. Present the "true" facts as another set of possibilities for them to consider.
   
2. Baboons
   
   The other type of Know-It-Alls is the Baboon. They're really bogus experts who pose as the real thing. They have an overwhelming need to be respected as supreme authorities, for indeed, they usually know something about the subject matter in question. Or at the very least, they genuinely believe they have the expertise.

To cope with Know-It-Alls - whether they be Bulldozers or Baboons - try these techniques:

• Ignore the inappropriate or disrespectful tone taken by the Know-It-All. They may be trying to get a rise out of you. Don't give them the satisfaction of seeing you get upset by their approach
  
• Simply agree. Acknowledge the validity of what the Know-It-All is saying. Just agree. It takes the wind out of the Know-It-All's sails
  
• Get them to describe their ideas in terms of concrete action. Get them to be specific. Push for detail
  
• Thank them for their information, their interest, and their concern. It will soothe their egos and calm down their overbearing Know-It-All tendencies
  
• Interrupt them rather than allow lengthy re-explanations of what they just said
  
• Get the Know-It-All to self-detect their own flaws. Invite them to engage in a right / wrong search
  
• Ask them to go over the good and bad aspects of each of their ideas as well as your own ideas
  
• Raise questions without confrontation. Ask them, "How will your information be helpful to me? Why do you want me to use your information instead of my own? What information or point do you think I am not understanding?"
  
• If you're right, there's no reason to lose your temper, and if you're wrong, you can't afford to. So don't rub it in. Allow them to save face. Leave them a way out

Super-Agreeables

These are the people who, on the surface, seem so very nice because they agree with everything you say and agree to do everything you ask them to do. 

The trouble is, Super-Agreeables are so desperate to be liked that they'll agree with everyone - including those who hold diametrically opposing viewpoints. They'll tell you what they think you want to hear. But when the push comes to shove, when the time for action has arrived, Super-Agreeables seldom follow through.

Obviously, Super-Agreeables are difficult to work with. To make them easier to cope with, try these tactics:

• Affirm them and their talents
  
• Make openness and honesty non-threatening. Give them approval for their candidness
  
• Get them to pinpoint their specific next step
  
• Settle for only realistic promises
  
• Build in incremental steps, deadlines, and checkpoints for the promises made. Follow up and monitor the results you expect
  
• Tactfully confront their lack of follow-through or no-action behaviour

Clams

These are the people whose silence and unresponsiveness leave you guessing as to what they are thinking and feeling. They give few opinions, seldom ask questions, and are relatively invisible. When they talk, they give short, non-revealing responses like "Yes", "No", "Okay" and "If you say so".

Of course, Clams are extremely frustrating because they won't talk or can't talk when you need some dialogue with them and some response from them. So you're stuck having to guess what they think, feel, and want.

If you have to work with Clams, you've got to first of all decide if you really want the Clams to open up. Sometimes a wise course of action is to simply let them be. But if you want them to open up, try some of these behaviours, which will often encourage them to change their behaviour:

• Ask open-ended questions starting with Who, What, When, Where, Why, and How. Ask questions where one-word or one-phrase responses are difficult - if not impossible - to give
  
• Use your very best listening and attending behaviours when a Clam opens up, so that their talking is rewarded with true interest and respect. Paraphrase what the Clam says so they know you really understand
  
• Use silence. Make a statement or ask a question, and then be quiet. Wait for the Clam to respond. DO NOT speak first or break the silence. DO NOT answer your own question. That rescues the Clam and reinforces their bad behaviour
  
• Use a perception check. Say something like, "You seem to be feeling X. Is that right?"
  
• Let the Clam know there are no foolish questions, only foolish silence
  
• Comment on the quietness. And then give the Clam support for talking without demanding that they speak
  
• Get them to predict the consequences of their quietness, the impact it will have on the team or the relationship
  
• And if all else fails, tell Clams what you plan to do and what your plan assumes about their needs, thoughts, and wishes

Tanks

They are the aggressive, hostile folks who batter you with criticism. They have a strong sense of what others "should" do and are very impatient with others. In fact, if you don't do what they want, their impatience turns to righteous indignation and anger. They attack you and put you down in hopes that you will back down from your point of view or your way of doing things.

You may feel like running from Tanks - don't. That's what Tanks expect, that you will run away. Instead use Mayor Rudolph Giuliani's approach. As he puts it, "Whenever you get into a jam, whenever you get into a crisis or an emergency, become the calmest person in the room and you'll be able to figure your way out of it."

In addition to that, when you're confronted by a Tank, use these behaviours:

• Give them time to vent
  
• Get them to sit down. It's harder for a Tank to continue their aggression when seated
  
• Use the Tank's name. It tends to slow them down
  
• Look them in the eye. Look confident
  
• Hold your ground without being aggressive. Some Tanks will respect you for it. The others will at least leave you alone and seek easier prey
  
• Stand up for yourself. Don't allow yourself to be interrupted. Say, "Excuse me. I wasn't finished"
  
• Be clear about what you want and don't want. Use low-key persistence. Repeat yourself if you haven't been heard
  
• Don't allow the Tank to talk around you or move ahead without you

Of course all these strategies will take courage, but courage is just about the only thing a Tank understands and respects. So you've got to do more than avoid the Tanks or coddle the Tanks. You've got to learn how to deal with them. As the old saying goes, "Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass. It's about learning how to dance in the rain".

Nay-Sayers

They're just plain negative about almost everything. If you suggest a new idea, a new approach, or a new product or service, they'll say something like, "Nope, won't work around here" or "They tried that over at XYZ Company, and it didn't work".

If you find yourself working with a Nay-Sayer, I've found a few things that can turn them around:

• Give them time. Don't rush Nay-Sayers. Bring them up to speed slowly so the logic of your approach has time to sink in
  
• Let them point out any possible problems they see in your ideas, and don't argue with them when they do. Just ask them how they would solve the problem
  
• And if nothing works, excuse yourself from their presence. Just say you need to be at your best today, and as a result, you can't afford to spend time with anyone who brings you down

In the final analysis, too many "difficult" people are "difficult" for too long because too many people let them get away with it. Try some of these strategies, and you'll have a more positive outcome.


Source:ceoonline.com